He may not be the best chef in the world, infact, he thought last nights left over lasagne in the fridge was Heinz spaghetti...But, he likes to take you out for dinner. To Smorgies, Taco Bell,or KFC. Even though his taste is ridiculously refined, he is also rather partial to a trio of dips, tofu curry and duck liver parfait. Versatility. Wah wah wah now that's sexy.
He collects you from work in his van and you notice all the camping gear, musical instruments, (including a hamonica), your suitcase-packed, his skateboard, a freshly cracked Asahi and a roach for you in the front and a giant bag of Malteasers on your seat. Thoughful and adventurous.
He closes his eyes when he plays guitar and writes lyrics like Jim Morrison.
Unbeknown to him his eyes are hypnotising you and suddenly you are a cobra snake coming out of an ancient urn in the great Egyptian desert. Only to be melted into a tear drop and reduced to mush then blown out into the world like a kiss from his hand. Mmmmmm musssh.
When you are falling asleep he tickles the little tiny hairs that sweep the arches of your back and occasionally he sings or opens the windows to hear the night continue to fall. Gentle and Beautiful.
He plays Spicks and Specks with you...and gets most of the questions right. Music knowledge....very sexy.
He doesn't particularly devote his existence to image, but he cannot leave the house without looking impressive to the core. Noticing that he just pulls it off is something he's unaware of. Stop it...I'm having a seizure.
He still plays records and knows all the words to every Cure song ever written. So many kisses for that. Way too many kisses.
He loves to hold your hand. He plays with all of your fingers when he speaks to you and puts them in his mouth sometimes. Hahaha. Come on, we all know that feels amazing.
If you ever have an argument ( which of course would never happen ), you storm into your living room, guns blazing and find him wearing nothing but a great big red bow on his.................neck. And he pulls out a bag of Life With Bird dresses and has cooked you your favourite fish with beurre blanc sauce, stuffed fennel and mandarin potatoes and also has fetched fresh complimenting greens from the top of a snow capped mountain in New Zealand. Awe.
11 reasons why he is not.
Upon introduction he says things to you like 'You must have a steering wheel in your pants, because your driving me nuts' and ' You wanna pash me dontcha.' Straight up I don't. But my friend might.
He calls his mum by her first name. Not cool.
You've heard him humming Chaka Demus and Pliers, but did you ever actually think you would hear those fatal words...hang on a minute.... I may very well vomit here...ahh hem...aahhhhhhrrhem (clear the throat)..right.... pa pa pa poker face pa pa poker face. Well that just speaks for itself doesn't it! Spew all over the place. And if he carries on like a pork chop about those ridiculous Pussycat Dolls.....drop him like it's not.
He swears really loud on a number of occasions in Safeways when there is only one person working in the 6 express lanes and he is the seventh person back from being served. And then when somebody has 13 items it's the end of the world. Public profanity is a turn off, especially in tight places. Unless you have turrets. And that would be cool.
There's a brilliant consistancey of incredible compliments he gives you. He always praises you and truly believes that whilst he crosses the bridge, you're walking on water. And your ass never looks fat in that and you look amazing everyday of your entire life. Until your dead. Eeeeewwwwwwwwwwww. What a sloth. You'll need to buy this one a dummy every couple of weeks because big boys have big teeth.
He still sports and raging homo pair of Oakley Minute sunglasses, and although he doesn't spend all his money on paying back Herion tick, (which would be cool) he buys cartons of Woodstock Bourbon every friday arvo accompanied buy $25 worth of Black & Gold groceries (which is about 7 shopping bags full) and then pays back the $65 tobacco tick from the corner store, but still owes TXU three months worth of bills. Actually, this one isn't all that bad, but if he wolf whistles at birds in two tone commodores and is hairier than a monkey, he's gone.
He doesn't even shave yet, he's never heard of Pink Floyd and he You Tube's The Mighty Boosh like 5 times a day. And he wears a nappy. With a smiley face on it. And a LOL. Putrid.
His car revs at over a million whatevers and is so loud that when he takes off it rattles the dryer into the corridoor. He's so proud of it and will not walk anywhere. When you look outside you wonder how the hell that little souped up Barina could blast off much like Sputnik and how come nobody has bashed his face in already. Hmmmmmmmm.
Everytime you buy Zooper Doopers and leave them in the freezer, he eats all the good ones and your always left with Space Pineapple or Bubblegum Quasar. You know when this happens it's over, possibly even before it began.
He snores. And snores. And snores.
Ooops, that's 10.
and on that note.......
and then...
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