there is no recess here

The spirals have begun again. Spiral in. Spiral up. Spiral down. As if the wieght of swearing to myself that i wouldn't contact you wasn't bending my back enough, now the weight of folding and needing your attention and getting a little is bounding and drenching. and then i told you how much i crave you. how i would die for you. how the fragrant veil over my eyes steams the scent of lust and everything poisonous in its breadth. to hear your voice today. my heart pounding out of my lips, spilling into the air with all of the energy i've been sending you. as i slip away at night the excitement and desire are absolute, it burns through my soul, through my lungs, through my flesh. it beads down my chest, onto my stomach and i'm trembling for you. i'm shaking and entirely naked for you. and i smoulder in between the shiverring sheets, in complete untidy fantasy, imagining how to feel you close to me. closer than i've ever known before. the closest physically and mentally achievable. wet on my body. i can feel your heartbeat on my breasts. sliding your hands down my sides, you're stronger than me. pressing your body onto mine against the cupboard door. heating up. the room is dark and the neon light still flickering from last year through the blinds. finding my lips you show me how much you love me with your tongue then bite my bottom lip until it bleeds, rolling my neck back and driving me insane with your breath. unbutton my shirt, and throw it to the floor. you can't keep your hands off me and our kiss sparks up the room. my skirt now lays beside my shirt, ripped. handling my legs with despair and pulling me into you, tight. desperate. you lift me onto your pelvis and carry me to the floor and we fall carelessly. you are naked too. running your index finger from my ankles to inside my thighs and watching me squirm. biting the hair on my thigh. sliding both of your hands underneath my ass and lifting me to your lips. looking into my eyes, controlling my emotions. i'm begging you. you are going crazy too. you cannot wait. you are stinging all over. you cannot believe this is so intense. clenching my hips with your wet palms. taking me higher and higher and higher and stopping. and i'm wild and can't hear anything. i cannot bare it anymore. you are dripping with sweat and have almost gotten too high yourself. like the biggest explosion on earth i need you this way. through me. insdie me. consuming me. in our clouds. lit by our moon. together in our world. making our music. creating life. away for ever. stronger than titanium. softer than a kitten. bigger than religion. calmer than the ocean. brighter than the sun. i'm so in love with you. my heart is breaking. it's aching every last breath i take. every moment i am awake. they say it takes a few months to grieve death. there are many stages to go through. it's only been a week. one whole week.

if i can conquer this, i can do anything.

i want you so much you may aswel be dead

a name in your recollection

these feelings in my bones, in my bleeding bleeding tears from hell, do not subside, i just cant seem to understand sunlit drive. shift the gears in this heap of shit. It's so heavy. I'm on my own. I'm doing this all on my own. I'm not doing this on my own. His mesmerizing eyes keep piecing my own visions. Like the devil is taking me down with him. Get out of my veins. I'm a girl I'm a girl I'm a girl. This mind on fire. These feelings are moving so fast i can't see them. I'm beat. where's my retreat. These are the times baby. Watch closely because she's learning new tricks she aint learnt before. These are the times she don't need to work no more. She needs to feel alright. She needs to hold something tight. She needs to fuck her mind away into the night. Chicka chicka chicka chezza never. Chicka Chicka Chicka hows her feather. Burn Burn Burn fresco inertia. Burn Burn Burn how never forever. She wants to run where the birds strip her. She need to trip on the wire that once tangled her. And free a sensation. Let it happen and spoil it. You can freeze your time, and it will stay frozen. You can say love and not mean it. You can forget and remember. One night in September. She needs to hurt to feel good. She has to drown to come up. She needs to forget to forgive and ride a mouse like the elephant man. Spin away the door is open. Spin away the door is in love with her. Spin down, and down and down all the way to the top. Forget this stranger lurking, messing with his head. It's not worth fighting for. It never was. She cannot compare. If it wasn't him, it would have been her. Better than lust it's a dream that took over and smoked her dismal ambitions and her own dreams.

i don't want to be hostile.
i don't want to be dismal.
but I don't want to rot in an apathetic existence either.
see i want to believe you,
and I want to trust
and I want to have faith to put away the dagger.
but you lie, cheat and steal.
and yet i tolerate you.
veil of virtue hung to hide your method
while I smile and laugh and dance
and sing your praise and glory.
shroud of virtue hung to mask your stigma
as I smile and laugh and dance
and sing your glory
while you
lie, cheat, and steal.
how can I tolerate you?
our guilt, our blame,
i've been far too sympathetic.
i am not innocent.
you are not innocent.
no one is innocent.
i will no longer tolerate you
even if I must go down beside you.
because,
no one is innocent

run, desire, run
a sexual being
run him like a blade
to and through the heart, no conscience
one motive: cater to the hollow

screaming feed me here
fill me up again
temporarily pacify this hunger that's so cruel

libido throw
dominoes of indiscretions down
falling all around in cycles, in circles
constantly consuming, conquering, devour.
'cause its time to bring the fire down
throttle all this indiscretion
long enough to edify
and permanently fill this hollow

three years of thunder.

just ash circling.

so blow it all away.

false. lies. bullshit. virgo never again. ever. any of you

I don't think I can ever look at you the same again. I love you so much that I hate you. I know you're lying to me. I know you're with somebody else and I can never forgive you. You've been lying to me now for I don't even know how long and I will never EVER go back to you. I hope you're happy. You've dragged me down so far. Was it NEED or was it LOVE? You've ruined my happiness. I was so happy with you. I had plans. And i did think of you in my future. I thought of you in almost the whole lot of my future. I would have let you be buried with me. I was hoping to finish school. I was hoping to find a beautiful life with you in a clean, sturdy house. Our house. I was hoping we'd get a kitten to love and share. And plant some vegetables. Fresh vegetables for cooking. And you will never know. You will never ever know. And either will I. I'm sure you wouldn't care now anyway. I'd love to thank you for things, but I you've torn my heart in two and I'm bleeding for my life. I hope you find this girl is as pathetic as they come and then realise you have made the biggest mistake of your life and then I hope you are miserable just like I am, but then I hope you are not. I hope you aren't hurting like me, which I don't think you are. And please never come near me again, and please don't try to call or contact me, it will only hurt me. And I will not try to contact you as it may put pressure on you. I cannot believe I didn't see this coming. Am I blind? My love for you was beginning to sprout again so beautifully, so roundly, so full for only you, and I was excited about things again for the first time, for us, since Paris. But how would you even know. You never came home to me. And you found somebody else to BRIGHTEN UP YOUR FUCKING DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am changing anything that is you.

I am wiping my tears for the last time.

I am curling myself around my friends not you.

I am painting and laughing without you.

I am driving over the speed limit in an open space.

I am biting my fingernails off and spitting them on the floor.

And my toenails.

I am burning all of you that exists in my life because I don't know how else to forget you.

You can have anything you gave me back including the table and chairs.

I only want my bed and my computer. You can almost just take the damn bed.

You no longer exist in my phone and if you try to call me, I will have my phone company ban you.

I have deleted my Facebook.

And my friends know not to pass on messages from you.

Take anything you want from me and long as you don't have to talk to me or touch me.

Please don't hurt me anymore, just be happy without me there.

I've never done this before.

I never wanted to.

And I never will again.

Next time, I'll know it's for real.

Goodbye for ever and always.

x

my cheeks are wet

my eyes are raw

i'm thirsty.

my spine is curled

my temples are pounding

tonight is the first night alone.

i'm unfaithful to positivity

and a crying shame to optimism

i need to sink right down and never ever see you again.

i'm covetous, impatient, damaged, threatened, itching, empty and grey.

there are so many things i want you to say to save my day.